Double-Post of Insomnia

It's going on two a.m. and I meant to sleep but I'm afraidafraidafraid, of nothing and of everything. It is just panic that is creeping up my throat and clogging my brain and surging over me, and those things go away after a while, I know.
But no matter how often I tell myself this, it doesn't help.

And my head is like something filled with hot, damp cotton candy, it's all mushy and soft inside and in danger of floating or possibly melting away.
shit shit shit. I don't want to be scared liked this, it feels like my skin is on fire and my guts are inside out.

I'd like to see my therapist right about now, because she's nice and calm and rational, and has a friendly smile. But the next appointment is still a few days away, I know she's a busybusybusy woman.

She tells me I should monitor my fear in a situation like this, make a list where I write down in certain intervals the perceived level of my anxiety on a scale from 1 to 100; so that I have something tangible, a concrete manifestation of my inner chaos in the outside world, something real and unscarily objective that gives me some control.
Also so that I can track how it develops, so that I can be relieved when the panic finally abates.

I thought that was a fine idea, only I have no scale - it's always 100 to me.
100 100 100, I could write this on paper all night long, it's coming in waves and it isn't leaving.

Do you know that feeling where you thought you could do something, but find out you really can't?
You can't, simply can't, still can't, physically can't? I'm not referring to eating or starving, I just mean - something you can't face, you thought you could but you realize you can't and it's crushing, it makes you sweat with fear of how much you will disappoint yourself and others.
And you feel that others will never understand, how could they even suspect the width and depth and height of this nightmare?

I listen to the cars passing outside and try to pretend it's the ocean - but that's cheap, really, a cheap thing to pretend.

I'm sorry for rambling, I just need to try and get rid of the mushy-cotton-candy-feeling, the hot-hot-panic-feeling, and I think rambling on here might be helping. It's perhaps an 80 now. I'm not sure.

"I'll do what I can..."

"...nothing more, nothing less."

It's a mantra my therapist has me repeat as a means to avoid anxiety attacks and counter perfectionism.

I'm not sure it is helping - but then again I know she didn't mean for me to apply it to food intake, either.

So, did I do well today, did I do everything I could?

I ate some stuff, namely 160 g of soy based yogurt (57 cal/100g, which means 91.2 cals), half a banana (medium size, so let's say 50 for half of it), a 10-cal cup of broth I drank in the morning, half a grapefruit at maximum 50 cals; for lunch I went out to have sushi with a friend, so I had a miso soup plus an avocado and a shinko maki roll.
(Taking into account the differing numbers you find on the calorie content of sushi, I estimate I come in at somewhere around 600 cals total for the day, perhaps even below.)

All in all, that adds up to considerably more than I wanted to eat in an ideal scenario; but on the other hand it seems pretty reasonable for a "first day back" to restricting, and is definitely better than the fiasco I have indulged in lately.
Still, I just don't know what to think.

I feel low.
No, that's not right - I don't feel either or, really.
Mainly, I feel disgusted with my body, despite doing relatively well today where food is concerned.

I have that kind of feeling where you want to peel off your own skin so badly, shed it like a reptile, that you have to restrain yourself hard not to take a kitchen knife and cut it open from top to bottom so you can wriggle out of it.

In positive news, I like the fact that spring is beginning - the first sightings of crocuses (crocus? croci?) and lilies of the valley, the re-awakening of the world, the metaphorical rebirth of life and all that sappy crap.
I'm just very fond of this season, whenever I step outside it elevates my mood by a tiny fraction.

I hope, if you are reading this, that spring has set on wherever you live, too, and that it is bringing you some amount of pleasure.