It's incredible - I just can't do it.
I cannot do the ABC right now.
It is incredible because I used to be so good at this, at starving myself.
And now, apparently, I am not anymore.
Half a year of carelessness and unfortunate events was all it took.
What's so funny about it, is that "normal" people, people concerned with my health, would probably say I got better.
I used to be good at something that is considered "bad", considered unhealthy and disordered.
And now I am bad at that very same thing, that badunhealthydisordered thing, which must in turn me that I am - healthy.
With a BMI right in the lower-but-by-no-means-alarmingly-low half of the normal range, it must mean that I am happy, happyhealthynormal surely, in better order than before?
That's not what it feels like to me, though. I don't feel better, I don't feel "healed".
All that I feel is weakness, a failure of willpower is all that I see.
A failure of willpower is all that it is, to me and that never silent inner voice.
And I am not the happier for it, more carefree, quite the contrary - I am feeling So. Much. Worse. than I ever did when starving successfully.
Huh.
I'm trying to overcompensate with frequent and vigorous training for the time being, running and weightlifting twice a day until I have figured out who I am and how I feel and where I want to be.
In the meantime, I bring you another episode of Skinny Love:
Natalie Portman.
She's my ultimate ideal of beauty, I think. I could gaze at her stunning features for hours on end.
She's an outstanding actress, I love virtually every single movie I've seen her in (with the notable exceptions being A) those Star Wars I - III atrocities, they do rather fall into the category "guilty pleasures", and B) V for Vendetta, it was a bit of a disappointment as compared to the the original comic, but that was by no means anything to do with Portman's performance).
Her extraordinarily memorable performance in Léon remains unforgotten, of course...
(I love that movie to pieces, on the whole.)
... and many a great and entertaining movie followed, Closer, Garden State, Mars Attacks!, The Other Boleyn Girl and so on.
From what you can tell through interviews, through her commitment to various social causes, she seems like a wonderful human being on a personal level, too.
Also, she happens to be very skinny - tiny, elegant, graceful.
Yet, there is seldom to never any harping about her weight in any of the tabloids - other celebrities get the heat for being too skinny all the time.
Still, despite her being just as thin as other actresses (oh my gosh, look at those stunning claviculae - do want!) - despite her shoulders being as bony, her collarbones as protruding, her waist as narrow, her chest as flat and her arms as tiny - her thinness isn't subject to a lot of debate.
Which seems graceful too, in a way, as being skinny is very obviously not her only defining quality - there is more talk about her talent and her movies than her weight; she simply is skinny on top of that without ever raising a fuss about it.
Again with a quality I would so like to emulate.
