Skinny Love: Natalie Portman and some stunned observations

It's incredible - I just can't do it.

I cannot do the ABC right now.

It is incredible because I used to be so good at this, at starving myself.

And now, apparently, I am not anymore.
Half a year of carelessness and unfortunate events was all it took.

What's so funny about it, is that "normal" people, people concerned with my health, would probably say I got better.
I used to be good at something that is considered "bad", considered unhealthy and disordered.

And now I am bad at that very same thing, that badunhealthydisordered thing, which must in turn me that I am - healthy.
With a BMI right in the lower-but-by-no-means-alarmingly-low half of the normal range, it must mean that I am happy, happyhealthynormal surely, in better order than before?

That's not what it feels like to me, though. I don't feel better, I don't feel "healed".

All that I feel is weakness, a failure of willpower is all that I see.
A failure of willpower is all that it is, to me and that never silent inner voice.

And I am not the happier for it, more carefree, quite the contrary - I am feeling So. Much. Worse. than I ever did when starving successfully.

Huh.
I'm trying to overcompensate with frequent and vigorous training for the time being, running and weightlifting twice a day until I have figured out who I am and how I feel and where I want to be.

In the meantime, I bring you another episode of Skinny Love:










Natalie Portman.

She's my ultimate ideal of beauty, I think. I could gaze at her stunning features for hours on end.

She's an outstanding actress, I love virtually every single movie I've seen her in (with the notable exceptions being A) those Star Wars I - III atrocities, they do rather fall into the category "guilty pleasures", and B) V for Vendetta, it was a bit of a disappointment as compared to the the original comic, but that was by no means anything to do with Portman's performance).

Her extraordinarily memorable performance in Léon remains unforgotten, of course...



(I love that movie to pieces, on the whole.)

... and many a great and entertaining movie followed, Closer, Garden State, Mars Attacks!, The Other Boleyn Girl and so on.

From what you can tell through interviews, through her commitment to various social causes, she seems like a wonderful human being on a personal level, too.

Also, she happens to be very skinny - tiny, elegant, graceful.

Yet, there is seldom to never any harping about her weight in any of the tabloids - other celebrities get the heat for being too skinny all the time.

Still, despite her being just as thin as other actresses (oh my gosh, look at those stunning claviculae - do want!) - despite her shoulders being as bony, her collarbones as protruding, her waist as narrow, her chest as flat and her arms as tiny - her thinness isn't subject to a lot of debate.

Which seems graceful too, in a way, as being skinny is very obviously not her only defining quality - there is more talk about her talent and her movies than her weight; she simply is skinny on top of that without ever raising a fuss about it.

Again with a quality I would so like to emulate.

Goals

To update; I did finally manage to calm down last night, although it took forever.
Blogging proved to be quite cathartic though, and major thanks to Ancora and Athanasy for your helpful and supportive comments, love you guys to bits! <3

Despite no sleep and feeling utterly shitty, I also passed an oral exam today - but it was rather gruesomely embarrassing, I only just made it by a narrow margin.
Did I feel relieved when it was done with, anyway?

Let me put it like this - say you spend several months being brutally tortured in a dungeon by some absolutely merciless abomination straight from the depths of hell; you might rightfully abound in joy when you are finally freed and the entire ordeal is over.
Much more likely though, you will be too scarred and traumatised by the experience to feel any relief at all - and that was what that exam felt like.

(obligatory PC addendum: I am not a complete moron, and I do realize no actual real-life torture experience compares to something as trite and mundane as an exam. I'm doing this for comedic hyperbole, obviously - and because, in my crazy pathetic mind, it really felt THAT bad to get another chance to show myself just how much of a worthless worthless loser I really am.)

Anyway, I digress, so on the topic of goals:

I want to be carful about setting them weight-wise - disappointment is already a major theme in my wretched little brain, and I don't want to set myself up for more of the same.

Still, there is this:
In less than a month, less than three weeks really, I will be attending a concert of a band I adore.
I happen to have reasonable cause to suspect, nay fear, that this concert might also be attended by The Coward, the Boy That I Still Long For Despite Knowing That I REALLY Shouldn't.

And his new girlfriend, of course.

From what I hear through mutual friends, they never do anything separately anymore.
So if either of them is there, the other will be.

And then I will be meeting a personalized nightmare of loss and rejection in double force, instead of enjoying a relaxing evening where I shut everything out of my brain except for the music.

The thing is (and I use that phrase way too often lately), that I know weight is pretty much the one issue where I can get to her.

I happen to know that she is equally messed up as I am in the food department, that weight and clothes sizes hold the same morbid appeal for her, and that she defines herself, much as I do, through the space that is or isn't visible between her thighs.

So of course, the petty bitter side of me dictates that I have to be super skinny, that I have to fuel her insecurities by nourishing my own, that I have to beat her at being thin at least if I can't beat her at winning his love.

If I have to run the risk of running into her, into them, then I would love for her to be shocked and envious at the sight of me.
I know that I am grasping for straws and that my attempt at physical superiority to her is petty; but that's what you would expect from a bitter person, it's the best I can do.

I am unsure what my goal for those three weeks should be though, how much I would want to have lost by then.
I'm out of touch with what is even realistic, what I am actually capable of achieving.

So, I think I'm going to give it a few more days, see how I'm doing and where I'm at, then try to decide what goal would be achievable and sufficient for my petty revenge.

Operation Skinny For The Wrong Reasons starts tomorrow... (There's always another reason to starve, isn't there? And right now I'm damn glad about it, I need incentive to stay on track; I could pretty much use incentive for a lot of things these days.)

Positive Thought of the Day:

I absolutely adore the girl I'm stealing for today's picture, her outlandish glamorousness, her almost inhumane body posture in that glittering suit - very David Bowie Ziggy-Stardust-era; also reminds me of the foam-spilling poise of his alien character in The Man Who Fell to Earth in a way.

(Bowie himself never seems to eat, does he? Certainly didn't during the seventies, when he lived on "red peppers, milk and cocaine"...
Alas, that doesn't really seem like a recommendable long-term plan either.... still, I wouldn't mind to posses the otherworldly razor-blade-ish grace of the Thin White Duke.)

Cal count standing at 550 and I'm actually going to bed now, because I feel like a walking trainwreck - so that's quite agreeable!