Blargh, no sleep again last night, although I was feeling so goddamn tired... know that feeling when you're actually TOO tired to sleep?
Kept telling myself to get up and do something useful, like say reading or crunches, if I couldn't fall asleep anyway - alas, I remained absolutely paralyzed by lethargy and inertia.
I just lay there all night, morbidly fascinated with watching the shifting shadows on the ceiling and the excruciatingly slow passage of time, firmly held in the withering, vice-like grip of total apathy.
Then a big fight with mother dearest this morning, where she called me "manipulative" because I cried in front of her.
I said I didn't mean to be, what made her think that, and she replied that I was purposefully trying to make her feel bad by crying.
I wasn't though - I was sad, feeling alone and helpless, I wanted to talk to someone familiar and was hoping that perhaps she'd comfort me - clearly a naive notion.
So I said I was sorry, I didn't want her to be mad at me, I was just trying to tell her how I felt.
And she just yelled at me, that I should do whatever I wanted with my life but leave her alone with my manipulative ways, then she left.
Obviously, a very successful mother-daughter meeting.
Teaches you that crying in front of other people is seldomly a good idea; unless they happen to possess a modicum of compassion, which you cannot always count on.
Hmpf.
On the positive side, I did exercise today (go me, one step towards easing into becoming the happy exercise freak I used to be - I'd almost forgotten already how GOOD your body feels when you actually give it some movement!)
Also, I'm going to meet up with a wonderful friend right now, a friend I haven't seen face-to-face in a long time, and who happens to understand from personal experience a wide array of troubles and obsessions of the mind.
So, that should be nourishing for both body and soul (we are going to a sushi place and I haven't eaten yet today, therefor low calorie makis and high satisfaction with self will be provided).
I really liked the comment Summer left on yesterday's post - saying that it's a highly satisfying guilty pleasure to be "that other girl" that someone suspects their bloke might long for.
It is indeed, and while it doesn't exactly make you feel like you deserve a Nobel prize in the category "high morals", there's no denying that it feels good.
I've been there with The Coward and his new girlfriend before - not too long ago, there was a party that we all attended.
She was looking rather plain that night, as in my eyes she always does, and I had actually pulled myself together, bringing my hair to shine and my eyes to sparkle, making an effort with my make-up and my clothes.
So there I was, surrounded by friends, the center of attention, laughing, looking my best and pretending mirth like there was no tomorrow - and there they were, slightly isolated in a corner as overly clingy couples often get, not really talking to anyone.
From the corner of my eyes, I could see her gaze darting over to me every five seconds, filled with uneasiness and fearful concern - the kind where she knows that her man and I had something once upon a time, and that even if he decided to break my heart and choose her to become his girlfriend instead, that doesn't mean she can stop worrying.
It felt good then, even though clearly if she could see inside my heart she would know that I still feel the loser, still cannot quell the longing for a guy that decided to lead me on and hurt me in a most undignified fashion.
When they were getting ready to leave, she actually came over to me.
She tapped me on the shoulder while I was immersed in conversation, just to say a shy goodbye, all down-cast eyes and batting lashes, staring at her feet.
And I smiled at her, generously, all teeth and insincerity; gave her a warm "goodbye" back, in a voice much louder, much more affable and cordial than was strictly required.
It was my On-top-of-the-world act, my I'm-so-great-I-can-afford-to-be-friendly-towards-you, You-are-but-a-tiny-blip-on-the-outskirts-of-my-world and of course I wish you luck dear, you sure need it.
And damn it felt good that night, if only for a few hours.
I also liked how Bella said her self-esteem won't "rear it's fragile head" - the fragile bit is spot on, she has an almost non-existent self-esteem that depends entirely on validation from others, particularly men.
Now, I am not the queen of the "Love Yourself"-club either - but the particular way she goes about openly putting her insecurities out there - all "ooooh, look at me, I'm so poor and insecure guys, don't you wanna saaaaave me, make me feel pretty?" - it is appalling to me.
I hate hating myself, I never think of it as an advertising advantage.
Nor would I want to talk about it to potential romance interests or passing acquaintances all the time.
Found the below picture with the caption "Jealousy. The best motivation for revenge.".
True indeed.
