Ineffectual Musings

Perfection... I've always been obsessed with that little world, and I know I am far far from alone in that.

It is often curious to me why human beings work the way we do, and why that little word holds so much power over us.

How it is that the concept of perfection can motivate us so much, elevate us, crush us, excite us.

How the thought, that every little part, every centimeter of our bodies, minds, even souls could be perfect, seems so liberating and promising, and daunting all at once.

Still, it is all that sustains me often.

My life is far from perfect right now.
My flat isn't perfect - it's a bloody mess.
My mind isn't perfect - it is equally messed up.
My "career prospects" aren't perfect - I am letting it all go to hell, and I'm not even sure I have chosen the right direction with what I'm doing at uni.
My "love life" isn't perfect - I am still painfully in love with a boy who doesn't even deserve it, King of Cowards that he is.

And finally, my body isn't perfect - it is farther from perfection than it ever was.

I dare not even step on the scales at this moment, but I reckon (and I am an unfortunately gifted soothsayer in that regard) it might be as high as 60kg, 132 lbs, a BMI of a square and scary 20 (defined, of course, as perfectly "normal and healthy for your age". Blech. Whoever comes up with these definitions obviously hasn't seen the state of my thighs. Or my behind for that matter.).

60kg would be the absolute highest I have weighed since the day I was born, and I swear I'm going to die if it goes any higher than this right now.
I need to regain control but I am struggling, pitifully, to rediscover any fragment of my former strength, any semblance of my old composure.

And yet, amidst all this chaos, I hope and dream of a state where perfection can be attained.
No matter how unrealistic it may seem - if I didn't cling to the abstract hope that perfection was possible, I would have thrown in the towel on life long ago.

It is all that keeps me from giving up when submerged in the darkest, dankest recesses of my personal Void... the possibility of perfection.

PS: re: first picture - that sunrise, on that day, was perfection to me.
Nothing quite like watching the sun rise from aboard a boat...

The girl below, of course, displays a different form of perfection. And yet she seems so forlorn - the atmosphere in that image is pretty much how I'm feeling right now, so I like it.

Back to Zero

I am starting this blog because I need to get back on track.
With my life, with my body.

I am not doing well right now - I am depressed, as I've ever been, and I'm going through a bad episode at this point.
There's medication I should be taking, but I'm not.

I know what it does, why it's supposed to be helpful, but I just can't stand the thought - of something, anything, any entity messing about with my brain, influencing my emotions.

I've always been sceptical of that, the concept of forced-upon chemistry invading my head.
My brain is messed up enough as it is - I don't wanna add to it with pills.

At the very least, I want the messed-up-ness to be my own, to have originated in the depths of my own f*cked-up brain chemistry, not inside of a plastic bottle.

So, they're just sitting there, prescribed and paid for on my bathroom shelf, untouched.

The most important part though, that overshadows everything else, is to get my weight back under my control.
I've let myself go, and I don't feel skinny anymore. I AM not skinny anymore.
I am fat.
I have become a fat, disgusting slob.

I am not dancing through the Void right now - I am slouching, I am lying on the floor barely able to raise a limb.

That has to change, and soon, but in order to dance again, I need to be lighter.
I need to be thin again, thin and fit, thin and muscular - like the wispy, wiry wraith I know I am supposed to be.

So, I am starting here.
Starting on this blog, to give myself some semblance of control from the very start, a place to raise myself up, a place to let myself down, a place to bitch and rave and unwind.

I've been lurking about and reading a lot of thinspirational blogs around here, you're all fucking amazing to me and even though you do not know me and we've never met, I feel like you've already helped me a ton on my journey.

So, thanks to all you wonderful ladies out there, thank you and starve on.